Down

Out of all the things that go wrong with my body, the thing I'm least likely to talk about is my depression. It's always been there, usually kept in check with anti-depressants, most likely unsuspected by most. But every now and then it drags me down and beats me.

I crashed on Saturday, but I didn't realise it until today. Depression is weird like that. If I were watching it happen to someone else I would recognise the signs right away, but it always takes me a while to see it in myself. I get so angry, and I don't like to think of myself as an angry person. My kids are a target for this unjustified anger, and that makes me even more upset. So are other drivers on the road, but since they never hear my insults I don't worry at all about that.

I can't sleep when I'm like this - when I need it the most. The pain gets worse, or at least my tolerance is reduced, and the pain meds interfere with my ability to sleep so my sleep gets worse. Spiral down.

I never feel truly hopeless or suicidal. Just horribly angry and sad. And tired, so tired. I can't focus.

It'll be okay in a few days. The meds eventually pull me out again. I'll try to sleep tonight.